I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
