Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
