So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
