i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
