i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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