I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
