i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Text me some of your sweat
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