Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
