he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
