Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
