Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
pray to the hookup gods
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
