My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
