You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
