When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
