His pubic hair was longer than his dick
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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