I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
