I just threw up on my dentist
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
