I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
