Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
