When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
