two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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