my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
