you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
