She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Life is so much better after having sex.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
