I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
