smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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