Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
