The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
