I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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