i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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