I got chris browned last night
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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