It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
