i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
