I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
