Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize