the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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