im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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