I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
