I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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