Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
