I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
