How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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