Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
