Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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