Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We need to rekindle our bromance
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
