Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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