I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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