unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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