i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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