Just fell off a train. Bad.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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