He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
