I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
