Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
