shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
