Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
