if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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