i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
